Gig Etiquette #1

I love live music... I always have. However, there are certain things guaranteed to drive me just a little nuts.

When I was a kid, my elder sister used to take me to see live bands. At the time, I thought she was was soooo cool letting her little sister tag along. I now realise either she was bribed, or my parents used some advanced technique in emotional blackmail. Or both.

Anyway, she was pretty adept at getting tickets just after they went on sale, so we often finished up in the first few rows... which is pretty impressive when you're eleven. As I got older, and my taste in music started to suck a little less, I started going to rock gigs; most of these were general admission. There is a democracy to this that I particulaly love. Generally speaking, the earlier you get to the venue, the better the view you get. I soon realised that I didn't consider several hours freezing my tits off outside a venue to be too greater price to pay to get right down the front. Some people will understand where I am coming from with this. The rest of you think I'm nuts.

Anyway, on occasion, the following has happened:

I'm down at the front, thinking, "Hey... I have a great view. So I've been sitting outside in the cold for the last six hours. It's going to be ages 'til the first band comes onstage, and I'm not going to be able to pee for four hours. It doesn't matter, as I have a great view."

Next thing, I hear a whiny little voice coming from some whiny-arsed incredibly little woman. "I can't see," she'll say. "Can I go in front of you?" The standard answer to this question is, er, NO. "But I can't see..." This is frequently where the dwarf will start to pout, and flutter her eyelashes. It's worth pointing out a couple of things: I'm straight, and I'm a bitch. Therefore, this will have no effect.

In most cases, the midget will try her luck with people either side of me. Unless you try what one girl recently did. I spent the first half of the gig getting very deliberately elbowed in the kidneys. I think she felt this would move someone twice her size. I won't repeat my exact words. I know what I said... she knows what I said. She stopped.