The Lord of the Rings

First of all, I apologies for what I am about to say. What you are about to read may be sacrilegious to many, if not most of you.

For some time, I’ve felt like a social outcast, as I have never seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Having spent the last couple of years listening to trusted friends endlessly enthuse about the films, I figured I should see what all the fuss was about. My sister kindly lent me the extended edition of The Fellowship of the Rings. I loaded the DVD, and with uncharacteristic optimism, waited to be impressed.

I have to confess, I had trouble taking the whole thing seriously. Frodo’s village looked like the home of the Teletubbies (but was filled with less intelligent beings), and grown men cooed over and coveted a cheap and nasty piece of jewellery that look as though the prop department had raided the Argos catalogue. On the plus side, populating the film with the kind of rough and ready men guaranteed to make any straight woman swoon was a master-stroke by the casting department. (And no… I’m not talking about the dwarf.)

Anyway… there is an air of inevitability to the sequels. I'm guessing the following happens:
- Frodo makes it to the mountain of doom (or whatever place the ring can be destroyed)
- various other characters die
- the cute one that isn't Bloom or Bean gets it on with Liv Tyler
- the ones that aren't dead live happily ever after.

This is what I want to happen:
- O. Bloom does something other than shoot bad guys and point out the blatantly fucking obvious
- O. Bloom gets those stupid ears chopped off in a bizarre accident involving Frodo's sword and a chainsaw
- Sean Bean gets resurrected
- and makes ancient porno flick with Bloom, the other cute one and a female cast member that looks like me
- the halfwit hobbits get napalmed
- this all happens in about 30 minutes of film time.

Am I hoping for too much here?